The Woodbridge Dog Disaster

(A Cappella:)  There was an old woman in Woodbridge there was  So proper and tidy and all of them things  She would wander all day with her duster in hand  She was one of those women who clean where they stand  And while she is at it she sings boys  And while she is at it she sings  (And you sing too)  Now there’s no doubt about it her house was a show  With everything proper and stowed in its place  And that’s why her dustbins had a shed of their own  Like a mirror each one of those bins it had grown  You could read every line in your face boys  You could read every line in your face  Now there’s nothing the matter with tidiness no  No matter with keeping your house up to scratch  But these bins were located one side of a yard  Where a Doberman Pinscher was prowling on guard  Trained to kill if you lifted the latch boys  Trained to kill if you lifted the latch  Now it’s all very well to protect what is yours  And it’s better not leaving temptation around  But a job of the dust is rewarding enough  And there’s nothing like taking the smooth with the rough  To be savaged by some bloody hound boys  To be savaged by some bloody hound  Now this Doberman Pinscher would play in the yard  And a couple of old tennis balls was his game  In his make-believe game it’s himself that he saw  As the world’s only dog with a bionic jaw (grrr)  And that’s when the garbage man came boys  And that’s when the garbage man came  Now fate took a hand on this coldest of days  For his wife she had made him to wear a warm coat  And to knot up his muffler to keep out the chill  And for once in his life he had bent to her will  And the dog couldn’t get at his throat boys  And the dog couldn’t get at his throat  Now when the woman above was drawn to the noise  It’s down from a high chamber window she called  To the dustman engaged in a struggle for life  In a middle class tone you could cut with a knife  She loudly exclaimed "Kick his balls" boys  She loudly exclaimed "Kick his balls"  Now the dustman could scarcely believe the command  But he didn’t have time to request it again  So ignoring distinctions of language and class  He unleashed a size ten on the Doberman’s ass  And its eyes misted over with pain boys  And its eyes misted over with pain  Now imagine the silence that followed that blow (yelp)  With the command ringing on in the poor dustman’s ears  And as the poor doggie lay writhing around  You could see the two tennis balls there on the ground (ooh)  And her meaning was rendered quite clear boys  And her meaning was rendered quite clear  Now I’d like to explain that this dog was at stud  And the dustman was sued for the fees that he’d lost  But it’s lucky he was to escape with his life  He went home with a kiss for his poor startled wife  Who harangued him for what it might cost boys  Who harangued him for what it might cost  Now if there’s a moral to be gained from this song  It’s that innocent language might sometimes sound crude  And as in the case of the carpenter’s mate  Your linguistic enlightenment might arrive late  And you could end up getting screwed boys  And you could end up getting screwed