This Grudge

fourteen years thirty minutes 15 seconds I've held this grudge eleven songs 4 full journals thoughts of punishment I've expended not in contact not a letter such communication telepathic you've been vilified used as fodder you deserve a piece of every record but who's it hurting now? Who's the one that's stuck? Who's it torturing now with an antique knot in her stomach I want to be big and let go of this grudge that's grown old All this time i've not known how to rest this bygone I want to be soft and resolved clean of slate and released I want to forgive for the both of us   Like an abandoned house dusty-covered furniture still intact If I visit it now do I simply re-live it somehow gratuitous   But who's still aching now? Who's tired of her own voice? Who's it weighing down with no gift from time of said healing I want to be big and let go of this grudge that's grown old All this time i've not known how to rest this bygone I want to be soft and resolved clean of slate and released I want to forgive for the both of us   Maybe as i cut the cord veils will lift from my eyes Maybe as i lay this to rest dead weight off my shoulders will rise Here i sit much determined ever ill-equipped to draw this curtain How this has entertained validated and has served me greatly ever the victim But who's done whining now? Who's ready to put down       This load I've carried longer than I had cared to remember    I want to be big and let go of this grudge that's grown old All this time i've not known how to rest this bygone I want to be soft and resolved clean of slate and released I want to forgive for the both of us